2005-02-07T17:04:00.000Z

you still have your Taras Schevchenko pajamas from John’s Bargain Store. And despite 30+ years, they still fit and are such a turn on to wear

you use your suspenders in a pinch to tie the tomato vine to the support stick. This applies to us guys also

the main ingredient in your borscht is lard

you get up at 2:30 AM to iron and find yourself getting such a ‘high’ by ironing in rhythm to “Ssscchheehhhh Newww Meehhhhhhnnnaaaa Uuuukkkrrrraaayyyyeeeeeeennnnaaa…”

you don’t realize that your popularity is due to the only fact that your family owns a bar

you keep getting comments on the run in your baggy stockings. But you are bare legged at the time. This applies to the ladies also

you wonder what makes Happy the Clown so happy

you know Cowboy Bob is the puppet of that capitalist Howdy Doody

you don’t think Bozo is a clown at all

you admire Fr. Orest Balaban for his mental stability

you read Hansl & Gretl and immdiately think of Mrs. Duchak

you don’t like Al Alberts because he sings that hard rock n roll

you have a candy cigarette lighter

you eat a hot dog on a roll starting in the middle

you try to limbo under carpets

you get tangled up in your Slinky Toy

you keep hitting your eye with the Clacker Balls

you think the paranoids are after you

you used to be disgusted. Now you're just disgusted

you deny being in denial

you thought that you used to be indecisive in school. Now you are not so sure

you never want to confuse anybody by giving a simple 'yes' or 'no' answer

you were very popular at Holy Ghost School, but nobody likes you today

you watch the Simpson’s and King of the Hill thinking they are documentaries

you make Popeye look suave and sophisticated. Sally Starr won’t have you on her programme

you are acused of adult attention deficit. That is not true, look at my new skates, lets play in the bathtub, I'll bring the jax

people say that it is cool that you chew gum at your age. Hell, that ain’t gum – it’s the used dentures you bought getting loose

since Father Zbyr, you have attended every Mass. But after Mass, you go down to Kyj’s every Sunday and still have to take your time, looking at all the selections and not knowing what you want

you have every church bulletin since 1966 inclusive. And you still take them out to actually read them

your grandmother warned you not to eat pickles. She always had trouble getting her face out of the jar

your mom didn’t put up too much of a fuss when it was time to take the training wheels off your tricycle. After all, you finally hit 13

you had a pet zebra named ‘Spot’

you got sent to the neighbour’s for an hour every time the milkman came to the house

your mom wouldn’t let you go to the ‘ugly contest’ at the fair. She said it wasn’t for professionals

you had to Trick or Treat by telephone

you had to read the book “You Are A Mistake”, over and over again, as a kid

your tonsils were saved for the autopsy

you still have the scars in your forehead from learning to eat with a fork

your mom takes you to Kida’s studio for a photo to make you famous. It turns out that it was for a Birth Control Poster with the caption “Don’t Let This Happen To You”

you thought you were taken to a Pediatrician at the time. Years later you learned that it was Conchester Animal Hospital

you remind your elders that this is a handicapped parking spot. They reply, “don’t worry, one look at you and nobody will ask any questions”

you try to screw in a breadbox and end up tearing down the whole wall anyway

you don’t like Ukie jokes. After all, they are the true answers you put for the last 82 ‘personal evaluations’ on job applications. You were rejected for them all and now they are somehow made public

you wonder what they do with all the paper clips used for making holopchi

you need a cosigner when you pay cash

you have the ‘bargain’ cheap phone model and the only 5 buttons are labeled, ‘Odin, dva, tru, chotiru, pyat’. No matter, as Ukranians never call to say anything nice

you are single, and go the fridge first, see what is in it, and then go to bed. But if you are married, you go to bed, see what is in it, and then go to the fridge

your leg hurts. It must be a headache

you lost your belly button in a crap game at the Ukranian Club

you are told to go piss in a corner. It’s a round room

you have had one of your letters to Santa returned

you want to be a pilot for Amtrak

you let air out of your tires because of the “Low Flying Aircraft” sign near the airport

you make egg roll by pushing it

you loved trolling for marlin on the Chester Bridgeport Ferry

you now have to go crabbing from the Commodore Barry Bridge

you leave the milk in the cow because you don’t want it turning sour

you could never find the camouflage shirts at L & H

you try to get from point A to point B, and you end up at Sector 3.4 1/8 to the 6th power times 5

you don’t like HG bingo because you would have won 38 times in 13 years. But they never call “Free Space”

you know for sure that the reason you don’t win at HG bingo is because “‘the Lypyn’ cheats on everything and he doesn’t put the ‘Free Space’ ball into the machine”

you think the price of penny candy is too much

you get laughed out of the store while at the counter of Sam Goody, as you ask for an 8 track tape copy of Mr. Protcyshyn singing. After all, “Goody’s Got It”

you are angry because jukeboxes don’t give change

you still have your 1967 Arch Bishop Ambrose Synyshyn Jubilee colour ‘holy card’ on the wall

you order a shot & beer by saying, “byeer govet in djigger glass, denn dahy menyee all boddle”

you are ready to get your poodle a shampoo and haircut. So you take him to John's Doggie Shop

your car has the white sport stripe on the side. It helps you find the door handles

you love to play Cossack on hobby horses well into your seventies

you don’t worry about your shoes being two different colours. They are the same style

you want to buy consonants on Hollywood Squares

you keep losing your buzzer on Jeopardy

you only had one chore as a kid. It involved washing and drying the family’s used toilet paper.

you had to pick the car lock with a coat hanger to get your family out

you broke your arm falling from the tree, while raking leaves

you can’t figure out how to throw away that big old metal garbage can

you keep breaking the pull cord on your computer when you go to start it up

you go to the reunion for Ukranian kamikaze’s

you wonder why they don't include the Evening News during the summer rerun schedule

you are angry because of the last power failure. You were stuck on the escalator for hours

you wonder if the Blessed Mother knows that you didn’t put a coin in her offering slot while lighting the votive candle in front of her. After all, you had nothing smaller than a dime

you are caught doing the Kosatsky dance alone while playing the air violin

you get in an argument with the bus driver due to the three bloodhounds that you want to bring with you for the trip to Fox Chase

you survived a Ukranian firing squad

you see that pesky bag lady coming again. She always hands you a dollar

you remember your password is actually 7 asterisks (*******), yet you forget your screen name

you put your name on the buddy list 250 times. It is nice to see friends online when you do sign in, but you still ignore them all

you love to receive and answer Instant Messages to yourself

you keep getting White Out on the screen when correcting errors

you love to play Solitaire by mail

you have a new safety parachute that opens on impact

you stole the kishka

you wear the same necktie for life

you look back at your 2004 Kiev trip. Those brand new models in the showroom were so snappy – the 1953 Lada

you dislike the Polish. They get so much more respect

you make more sense when you are drunk

you forget the recipe for ice cubes

you like to alphabetize your M & M's (3,E,M,W)

you use your alarm clock to tell you when it is time to go to sleep

you can't put your new book down, "Beauty Tips Of Janet Reno"

you get into an argument with your neighbour. He is angry because you left your curtain open, and he couldn’t help but notice your wife and you making love. You laugh at his stupidity. You weren’t even home last night, you were in the drunk tank downtown

you make love by proxy

you don’t remember seeing the picture at the drive in. You parked your car in the wrong direction. Besides, it was the Penn Fruit lot and you paid the $6 admission

you are afraid to drive to Chadds Ford because you have an Oldsmobile

you and your theater group are turned down by the officials at Brandywine Battlefield because you want to reenact the D Day Invasion

you decide to make a career by painting watercolour post cards of the Marcus Hook skyline

you enjoy children laughing when you drink. But it isn’t a dribble glass

you love hunting wild huckleberries near Bethel with your bazooka

you are still wondering, “damn that Karlsen! What really does happen to the paper clips from the holopchi”?

you girls wisely listened to your parents when they told you, “Stay away from George Karlsen. Date a real man like that Larry Ferarri fellow”.

A few of these things should prove that I am a bit Ukie. Of course these things only happen half the time. Maybe I am bi-polar. Or maybe it’s because I am not a full Ukie?

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